For years, I have been sending bad emails to my nearest and dearest.

Let me restate that.

Aside from sending the usual garbage that I create in my last-minute, rushed head, I specifically forward on the particular bizarre/bad emails that random strangers send me. This, of course, is exacerbated by the fact that I have an active life on the interwebs.

And this has nothing to do with Twitter. Seven years ago, while living by myself in Mexico for a year, I was incredibly active on the interwebs. My version of the interwebs – at the time – centered mostly around a chat room populated by pre-adolescent Latin American girls talking about a particular musical telenovela (Think Glee, but for happy Argentine orphans).

All this to say, I specialize in receiving bad emails.

Some time last year, my dear friend Amalia responded to one with, “If only you could post this stuff! It’s gold!”

And then, I wondered: Why Not?

Although I am not a lawyer, have not consulted one, and know nothing, I would venture to guess that if I delete names and such no one can get that angry. They wrote it, for goodness sake.

That said, I’m beginning a new weekly (or biweekly, depending on my motivation and dedication) post on this blog sharing the nuggets of gold I’ve received during the past week. Called “mail bag maladies” (for this post, at least, as I had to name it something), here goes this week’s mess:

1. THE EMAIL:

Hi Claire,

thanks for showing the correct way to do my sit ups today – I am sure a session or two will correct any other bad habits I have picked up. Generally speaking I go to the gym to manage my stress levels and make sure I don’t get too fat (…just vanity then!) So on that note as I mentioned I do have an excess layer around my middle – if you can help me remove it as much as possible and bulk up my upper body (a little) then I will be very happy! So far I am free any lunch time week commencing 12^th September – what do you suggest?

Thanks again, “Randy” (not real name)

I, too, have an excess layer around my middle, Randy. Suffice it to say, my personal training abilities are nil. (In case it eludes you, the sender clearly has the wrong Claire on gmail.)

2. THE EMAIL:

claire

there is another task on wed 21st sept  its raking orchids meadow meet at pindar car park   windmill lane at 10 am  apple picking later

byeee

 

I do like tasks. However, with little information on the country or city I am unlikely to appear at this one, even for the apples. Thanks, anonymous.

 

3. THE EMAIL:

So, to summarize your book, if somebody is following me on Twitter, I should follow him — yes?

Thanks, D.

The best part about this email is that it is not anonymous. Instead, it is from my very own “dad” — aka “D” or “Dadd” (sic) as he usually signs off. And this is the email in its entirety.

 

Well, that’s a wrap folks. Tune in next week for more email mishaps.